The Art of Glaring

Every now and then, I’ll see or read something that triggers a totally tangential thought. The other day, I saw a post from my favorite Daddy blogger, Jon (aka Daddy Scratches), that got me thinking about glares.

Not photo glares, stare glares. I won’t reproduce my entire train of thought for you, I’ll just say that it led me to Googling “woman glare” and “man glare.” It was entertaining and sort of enlightening. Only “sort of” because it pretty much confirmed what I already knew. Women are much better at glaring than men. I’m not being sexist, here. It’s a fact. Women employ and interpret body language much better than men.

Here’s an example of Hillary Clinton glaring at Obama.

This kid is supposed to be glaring. To me, she just looks possessed.

Here’s a good teacher glare.

Now this woman has glaring down pat.

Men just aren’t as good glarers. Here’s a man who actually has a pretty good glare (he’s probably a transvestite).

Not only are they not as good at it, they don’t really know a glare when they see it. Take this picture as an example. Undoubtedly it was a man who called that a glare. That’s so not a glare. That’s an “oh God you are stupid” (aka “you’re such a man”) look. A man probably dubbed this a glare, too.

Even my Meg can glare.

Here’s a chick with a lot to learn about glaring.

You know, little girls can be some of the best glarers. Check out the glare on this little girl. , which, by the way, is the image that got me thinking of glares in the first place.

When cute little girls like this have mastered the glare, it’s usually because they have smart-ass parents who entertain themselves by intentionally driving kids crazy. Hubby fits the tormentor bill quite well. (I am completely innocent, of course, and would not think of intentionally harassing an impressionable young child.) Which brings me to the best (worst?) glarer I know.

Now, I love our youngest daughter to death. And I really don’t mean this in a negative way. But, if I’m keeping things real here, I have to say… the girl can GLARE. She perfected glaring years ago. Now that I am older and the glares are not directed at me (until she reads this post), I can reflect on her talents. But when she was a teenager and I was a young, naiive STEPmonster… oh man. It was bad.

One look could drive me crazy. Two could push me over the edge. And three? Hubby would periodically find me cowering in the basement/on the deck/in the bedroom/in the garage (more than once) with a half-empty beer bottle or two in front of me and a smoldering cigarette in each hand. He’d say, “Honey, what’s wrong?” I’m sure “I hate the way she glares at us” was one of my complaints.

He’d always be baffled and say, “What do you mean, the way she glares at us?”

OH. MY. GOD.

He meant well, I know. But he’s a man. He just couldn’t recognize a glare.

As my friend Kathy would say, it’s a primal thing. Women know how to glare and men know how to fear the glare. It’s that simple.

If Amy’s hubby, TJ, read my blog, I’m sure he’d agree. Just not publicly. He lives with her after all.

Fortunately, Amy and I survived her teenagerhood and have grown beyond the glaring stage. Now we actually love each other (well, she used to love me) and enjoy each other’s company. She only glares at me when I take too many pictures, make fun of her for getting up, down, north and south confused and/or take pictures of her at inopportune times.

The funny thing is, I knew I had to have at least one picture of her glaring. And here it is. She’s the one in the green sweater. But this is a mild glare. You’ll have to trust me on that one.

Even my super-sweet MIL is sort of glaring in this picture (they are eating!).

Seriously, look at that “light-hearted” glare. Just imagine if she were really pissed or still trying to intimidate me.

On a positive note, those adorable grandchildren of mine are very well-behaved (though Gaige does tend to make lots of weird faces). Amy is by far the best Mom I know. Although the Mom glare is one of the tools in her arsenal, she smiles now more than anything. In fact, she smiles a lot. Because she just loves being a Mom.

Even though having three kids makes her life crazy at times, she LOVES being a Mom. She hardly ever complains and, if she does, she does it in a joking way because she knows one day she too will look back and laugh at some of the stuff her kids did.

Kind of like I am doing now. One day, 20 years from now, she’ll be able to share kid horror stories, too. Quite a few will feature Brianna, who may only be in third grade, but is a very smart, crafty little girl. She’s always thinking. Plotting. Sort of like another little girl I remember.

That was years ago, though. Now Amy is this beautiful, smart, funny, all-around-awesome young woman. She really is such a good Mom.

She’s got a great sense of humor, too. So, even if I hadn’t done all this unintentional kissing-up at the end of this post, she would’ve found it funny.

Eventually.

Now, I imagine she looks sort of like this.

PS – In all fairness, while Amy is a super Mom, she doesn’t get all the credit. My son-in-law, TJ, is a great Dad, too. Even if he doesn’t know how to glare.