Over the past several years, I have really come to believe there aren’t any coincidences in life. The things we experience are a result of the choices we make. Our choices define our path. Our path determines who we interact with. There will always be setbacks and obstacles to overcome, challenging the heart, body, and/or mind. Lucky for me, most of my challenges have been mental. I have had a few physical ones, too, but even those came with myriad emotions, thoughts, and fears that needed to be dealt with. Figuring out how to handle the various obstacles and detours life throws at us is part of the reason each and every one of us were placed on this Earth in the first place.
Life is all about lessons.
I have learned a lot in recent years, about myself and about the people who surround me. I’ve always known, deep down, that I was put on this Earth for a reason. I have yet to fully figure out what that reason is, but I do think I am on the right path or, at the very least, headed in the right direction.
It hasn’t always been easy. But I have learned from both my mistakes and my successes. One of the year’s most important lessons for me is admitting there are many things over which I have little or no control. Worrying about things to come accomplishes nothing. Harboring negative emotions about past events is just as bad, if not worse.
On the surface, those are very simple truths. But it’s hard not to worry. It can really be difficult to let go of old grudges. To forgive folks for what they have done to you. To stop caring about what other people think and let go of guilt.
Anxiety and depression are simple labels society has put on very complex and personal/individual emotional states. I know a lot of people who deal with anxiety and/or depression. One is almost always associated with the other, and both are usually the result of having experienced some sort of physical or emotional pain.
Which brings me to today’s writing prompt…
WD#3: Where are you still carrying old pain? How can you let it go?
I’m not carrying much old pain. I know how damaging it can be to linger on the past and have learned how to let shit go. Not all of it, but most of it. Some pain is easier to dismiss than others, some harder, and the cleansing process is exhausting.
I think and think and think about stuff all of the time. My mind is always racing. By thinking, I don’t mean puzzling, or carefully considering, or even mulling stuff over. That all sounds far too relaxing. The type of thinking I experience is far more frantic, frenzied, even chaotic. I do not do it intentionally, it just happens. My thoughts are less like a continuous stream of consciousness and more like brief, intermittent, invisible storms.
Processing all of that activity requires a LOT of mental energy. It’s exhausting, really. I know this, but I can’t stop it. That’s just how my brain works. I’m an analyzer. I like to figure weird shit out, usually covertly. In other words, I’m an observer. I take stuff in, consider it from many different angles, until I figure out why things are the way that they are. Why a person acts a certain way. What could have happened to them in the past that makes them do what they do.
We live in a crazy, beautiful, weird, fucked up, magical place. How can I not think about it? Not worrying, mind you, but wondering how things are related. Why did that happen? Why do I act or react a certain way?
The whole process has increased my level of self-awareness tremendously. I now understand more about myself and those around me more than I ever have.
The most important and simultaneously disconcerting thing I have learned is that I can physically feel negative energy. I’m pretty sure I’ve always had that ability, I just never recognized the phenomenon for what it was. Now that I am aware of that ability, which more often than not feels like a curse, I can act and react appropriately.
It sounds crazy, I know. Crazy as in some real wackadoodie kind of shit. So crazy, I hesitate to even admit or try to explain it to others for fear that I’ll be labeled completely insane. But I know it’s real. Knowing it’s real means that when I feel negativity from others, or feel the affect my own negative thoughts, emotions, and memories have on my body, I can act accordingly.
That’s how I have managed to rid myself of lingering emotional pain, which is what I mean when I say I’ve learned how to let shit go.
I am also able to protect myself against new “attacks.” But that’s something I’ll have to explain in some other post. This one has taken me THREE days to complete.
So, dear readers. What do you think? Am I crazy? Am I on the right track?
Another thing I’ve come to realize is that there are lots of people like me out there. Many, if not most, are afraid to talk about stuff like this because it sounds so crazy. I’d really love to know, honestly, what everyone who reads this post thinks about what I’ve said.
Wow, this post must have been cathartic to write, although very difficult too, I am sure. So interesting that you recognize that you can detect negative energy. Definitely a good thing, but until I read this, I never thought about it. It certainly is a skill we should all cultivate, if we don’t already have it. Just that one element could make life so much more enjoyable!
I think that I worked through a lot of old pain when caring for my Mom through her dementia, so that isn’t a current issue for me, but worrying, that’s one I haven’t conquered. My rational mind knows it’s stupid, but I have to consciously stop myself, sometimes over and over. Hmmm.
Anyway, I love that you share this kind of discovery, and help us to think and get to know ourselves better too!
Thanks for taking the time to comment. As I was about to reapply, on my tablet, I accidentally hit the link that sends comments to spam! Ack!!! Fortunately, I figured out how to get it back. I’m only mentioning it in case you got some sort of alert that I’d done that. LOL.
Anyhoo… I really do think a lot of people have the ability to feel negative energy, the problem is they have never been taught to recognize it for what it is. It’s one of those “feelings” we take for granted as just something the body does. Like when you sit too long in one spot and your leg feels tingly because it fell asleep. That’s a physical feeling, so people are more likely to talk about it, whereas there’s such stigma associated with mental health that people are instinctively hesitant to say… “hey, did you also feel your chest tighten when that person talked about being abused as a kid?”
I really think the only thing that changed for me is that I have started paying more attention to how my physical body feels in different situations. I started seeing patterns in a variety of situations. The more I thought about those different situations, I started seeing common threads.
It really has been enlightening. And scary, because, sometimes, even I think I am going crazy. I think it might be that fear, wondering if I actually AM losing my mind, that has driven me to think even harder about stuff.
Worry is just another name for anxiety. People tend to use worry because it’s a nicer, more-acceptable or stigma-free label. Realizing that it’s a problem is the first step toward healing. Knowing you need to consciously take certain steps to stop worrying is huge. Now you just need to figure out what triggers it all and you’ll be able to stop it before it happens or at least stop it more quickly when it reads it’s ugly head. To me, it sounds like you are well on your way to understanding exactly how to do that for yourself.
I’m no expert on anything, of course. What works for me may not work for you. Or for any other person on this planet. But knowing that other people experience the same sort of weirdness has helped me, so I figure it’s kind of my duty to share my own strange experiences, for better or worse, with the rest of the world.
I hope that you see your process as a voyage of self-discovery, not going crazy! You are taking the time to discover, which can certainly be scary, but ultimately I would think it would be fruitful and freeing.
It seems so obvious that worry and anxiety are similar, but I just never thought of it like that. Yet another opportunity to investigate why I would be anxious… 😁