In Search of Normal

So…

I am completely at a loss on how to explain events of the past several weeks. I’m not even sure “events” is appropriate.

I’ll just post a cool photo while I try to gather some thoughts.

Okay, maybe one more photo that I like.

I shot both of those pictures last Monday, February 24. That day was the seventh consecutive weekday that I did not go to work. By “go,” I mean report in, log on, clock in, whatever word it is to describe what remote employees do to start their day.

I hadn’t been feeling right for a couple of weeks. Of course, right is relative. I knew I’d been feeling progressively worse and worse over the past several months. I just didn’t realize how bad things had gotten.

It’s been a difficult few years. I’ll spare you the details, which might just sound like whining. Let’s just say some issues or “life stressors” have been building/catching up with me.

Depression and ADD + life stressors
+ chronic job stress = DISASTER

My brain had finally shut down. It’s the weirdest thing. I literally stopped being able to think. One morning, Tuesday, February 4, I woke up knowing I was in trouble. Not physical trouble, mind you. Just trouble.

Really, from the minute I opened my eyes, I knew I could not go to work that day. I ended up staying “out” through Thursday. By Friday, I felt able to work again. It was a quiet, decent day.

By noon on Monday, February 10, my brain had frozen. Again.

Not like a stroke or anything. My thought processes just weren’t connecting. No pistons were firing, or spark plugs, or valves. Or maybe all of the above.

Things were simply just not making sense. Like, really. I was a big, fat deer in the proverbial headlights. Nothing was sinking in.

I didn’t know what to do with the millions of words being thrown at me. Emails coming in constantly. Instant messages via Teams (like Skype). Phone calls. Text messages. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Conflicting instructions and probing questions. More and more work to get done in less and less time. More pressure from above to monitor those below me more closely, to help my employees, make sure they were dotting and crossing in all the right places. Knee-jerk reactions. Politicking among executives (scuttlebutt almost always trickles down).

I’ll spare you the sordid details around trying to determine where to go/who to see for help. I finally went to my primary care doctor on Friday, February 14. She told me to stay out for a few days. I negotiated her down to two. My boss insisted I take all three.

Through some small miracle, I got an appointment with a mental health professional on the third day, February 18. He, Bob, ordered another seven day break. A week later, I saw him again. He says he thinks he can help, and is pretty sure I’ll be able to get better/return to normal, but he has no idea how long it will take.

The last full day I worked was Thursday, February 13. Tomorrow will be the 13th consecutive weekday I have not worked.

That’s why I had time to visit a waterfall on a Monday.

Dark Hollow Falls

I’m currently away on a pre-planned trip (non-refundable plane ticket had already been purchased). Wednesday was a travel day. Thursday I tried doing some writing, to no avail. Amy took one day off (Friday). We went axe throwing. It sounds cheesy, but was actually fun. Then we went to a brewery for lunch, and some brews. In the evening, we went and got manicures. The weekend was fun-filled, too.

I look relatively normal. Physically, I don’t feel any different. Mentally is a whole ‘nother story. As soon as I even think about working again, I can feel my brain scrambling. I looked at LinkedIn for something tonight, but had to close the app after only about two minutes. Earlier today, while reading some industry news, I started feeling sick to my stomach.

Not working sure feels weird. It has all been so strange, really. I can do basic, everyday stuff, but nothing that requires complex thought. The least little bit of negativity, angst, or stress I experience, my brain starts to quiver.

I don’t mean my brain is literally shaking, I mean it’s like the structure of my brain immediately turns to Jello. Signals are not connecting. Wires are definitely crossed. Or compromised.

I’m going home Wednesday night. I will meet with Bob again on Friday. I’m sure more visits with Bob will follow.

Now, if only we can get the ole brain working properly again.

I am not complaining. Honest. I do realize things could be MUCH worse. But, honestly, not being able to THINK is pretty fucking awful.

I would really, REALLY like to feel normal again. If that’s even possible in this crazy, new mixed up world in which we live.

I will keep on keeping on, taking things as they come, plodding on through whatever you call this state or stage in my life. Taking one day at a time and learning very important lessons as I go.

A positive frame of mind is important. So is love, and laughter. It’s been wonderful visiting with Amy and the grand kids. Very good medicine indeed.

There’s more excitement planned for tomorrow. Stay tuned…